"My old clothes don't fit like they once did, so they hang like ghosts, of the people I've Been"

I remember when i graduated 8th Grade, we had this yearbook. Nothing professional, it was pretty much a class project with an exceptional amount of construction paper and scanned pictures and such. Anyway, there was this section of the yearbook where it was a prophecy. Maybe that's too dramatic. It was more of a 'where you'll be in 10 years." I remember mine saying I was gonna be this comedy star on Saturday Night Live. In reality, I'm more suited to be a writer on the show. I'm not much of an actor. Comedy used to be a big part of me. I really enjoyed making people laugh. I used to enjoy laughing. Nowadays laughing has more of this bipolar feeling to it. It's fun, but you're just ignoring the bullshit around you. It's fun but after the laughs, where are you? Possibly a temporary feeling of "hey it's not so bad.' Hell, it's probably not that bad.
I used to really be into stand-up comedy.
The summer before I entered high school i remember my cousin Chris and I had this tape recorder and all summer we'd talk to this tape recorder as if we were this radio station. At the time we were this modern rock station playing the good stuff like Rage and Green Day and stuff. I also wanted to create this Comedy radio station. It's sort of innovative. I mean, I don't think there's a comedy radio station around here. It was actually the idea of radio that made me want to go to Seton Hall because of 89.5 WSOU.
I should have done a radio segment on the Rutgers Radio Station but I never quite did. I didn't do half the shit i should have. Maybe that's the depressing part about all this. That explains a lot.
The whole wave of bubble-gum pop used to make me feel unique. The whole wave of hip-hop used to make me feel unique. I liked music that most people in my high school didn't. Now, it's not so special. It's actually kind of looked down upon. All these damn teeny boppers ruining punk and pop and whatever is left of it. Now i find myself clamoring for good new music where before i was always ahead of the curve.
It's funny because people used to do this one-up sort of conversation when it came to music..
"you know this band?'
"yep, do you know these guys?"
"yeah they're good, how about these guys?"
"Oh yeah, How bout these guys?"
"Yeah man definitely, the new CD is sick. They sound like these other guys, (insert band name)"
"Who's that?"
YOU WIN.
I used to want to play music but I think that ship is sailing away....FAST. I don't put in effort to learn and I'm not much of a self-teacher so maybe once I get a steady job I'll find a place that gives lessons and give it a real shot. I'll put in effort then, cuz I'll be paying for it.
Sometimes I really wonder if I have an actual passion for writing. I doubt it, but people tell me it's what I do best. Others may disagree, mainly people I know who are equally as good, probably better. I don't know big words. I just write the way I think. Sometimes I try too hard to write something good, where I believe you can't always force it. if you do, you'll just sound fake.
I remember there was this time in college where i realized, i'm gonna finish in psych and I better figure something out. At the time I told myself I'd like to have a steady job in Human Resources but I also wanted to be a free-lance writer and a free lance-photographer. The whole photography thing is doomed to become nothing more than a hobby because I just don't care for it as much as I thought. It just sounds cool and looks cool. Everyone thinks they're a fucking photographer. It's all subjective bullshit. If it looks like, more people like it. Real Artsy people will site actual technicalities with it and they could very well be right. My point is, everyone is not a photographer. It's a talent. Unfortunately, if you buy a camera expensive and high tech enough, it can make anything look dope...making people think they're talented. Who am I to say though?
I got a C in that class.
And so I feel I've arrived at this point where I'm without an identity. I've lost what I was because of my indecision of what I wanted to become. if that makes any sense? Ok, I don't wanna say I'm without an identity. It sounds a little too pathetic because it's not quite that severe. It's more along the line where I've had a life full of these ideas; some more realistic than others, and I've never quite acted fully on any one of them and maybe it's time that I do because well, at this point, I don't have anything to lose. I'm usually one to scoff that the idea of self-journeys and self-discovery. Everyone is always trying to discover themselves as if everyone has an identity crisis, so let's not call it that.
Let's just say it's time to man up. Less thinking. More doing.