Waiting For A Certain Shade of Green?

Well it's been awhile and frankly, I don't know if anyone really reads this but whatever, I took a nap and I'm somewhat energized so i figured why not put up some news and notes. I have a lot of bullshit floating around in my head.

- recently I've been gathering all of the trendy clothes I bought in the early years of college (circa 2003). Needless to say it ended up being a waste of money. Nike Dunks played me out. haha. Seriously though, it was somewhat ironic and self-defeating because I enjoyed getting all this stuff because I didn't mind this kind of trendy stuff. It was new to me. Something fresh, but at the end of the day I'm just a t-shirt and jeans guy. When i dressed up in the morning, I didn't reach for the trendy stuff, I just reached for the simple stuff. I told myself I'd bust out the special Dunks and clothes for a special occasion. No such occassion occurred. Anyway, I'm getting a some help from my boy Rocs to sell this stuff on eBay. While I'm namedropping I just wanna say, Tita Mila, Thanks for throwing away half my sb boxes when you cleaned the basement last year. Selling the shoes in the wrong boxes, that looks legit. haha. I don't really regret buying all those shoes. I mean, it was a hobby. Something to look back on and say 'that was fun...and now its wack.' Anyway, what am i selling for? a Nikon d40 hopefully. We'll see if that works out.

-the Truth is this time last year I was mildly excited about graduating. I saw it as an opportunity to do activities I was interested in. I was thinking, 'hey this gives me a chance to do a writing workshop, or a culinary class, or a photography class.' Almost a year removed and I haven't exactly cut into that list. Sometimes i move a bit slow and sometimes I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for a bad cycle. I believe everything is gonna work out though. I've slowly been learning during my current role of helping out the parents at the restaurant. Fuck what you think. I get up everyday and go to work just like everyone else. Just because I'm not putting on a suit and tie and walking into an office building doesn't mean I'm not going to work. I'll get into that soon enough, but right now, this is where I'm needed. I used to bitch at going to work and most of the time I still do. We all do. However, my parents helped me to kind of change my perspective because he told me 'you gotta start working there with a managers mentality. don't just serve the customers, you gotta stay aware of the other things like what's selling and what's not. Keeping track of the inventory for the marketing. Coming up with new ideas for the menu or the presentation of the restaurant.' I helped me realize that I wasn't taking any of that into consideration and I just thought I was some sort of hostage. Also it's completely screwing up my diet. damn. Anyway, point is, this restaurant put me through school and kept a roof over my head for more than 15 years. This is the least I can do for my parents. Hardest working people I know.
Anyway, there's plenty of time to get into all those new hobbies I was interested in. I'll start applying for a "real job" come late April into May. I'm hoping to land in a publishing company. I figured if I can't read books, join em'.

- Yeah so I kinda miss college. It was a good experience. Left it like I left high school. Feeling like I should have done more but what can you do? Some good people, good laughs, got pretty okay grades, that's all I could have really hoped for I guess. Could it have been more? Yeah, but learning never stops. You don't need a classroom to gain knowledge.

- Even though i miss bugging out in college, I realized a lot of people didn't really keep in touch. fucked up. lol. I've hit this bitter state anyway. It's no hard feelings, some keep in touch, some don't. I guess I just get fascinated by it because i've spent my whole life specifically trying not to step on people's toes and being concerned with what they think (btw its a horrible way to live and i'm trying to kick the habit) and so I just get very interested in what makes a person say 'hey he's cool maybe he's worth keeping in touch with. By all means i understand there are just some people you don't really care for, trust me i know. Nevertheless it's interesting how these interpersonal relationships work, in general, not just me and my acquaintances. If my friend from high school reads this he's probably thing its really hypocritical because I didn't do the best job of always keeping in touch with him after high school, and he went to school across the street. I'm sorry my friend, let's go to Tops.

- So I've tried going to the gym again and Retro has too many damn members now. lol. I'm much more comfortable when no one is in there. man i hate being self-conscious. Anyway, as I mentioned before, the diet has basically gone down the drain till I stop working at the restaurant. I've come to the conclusion that my effectiveness to old diets was because I had more of a preventative approach where if I wasn't in front of food I wouldn't have to worry about being tempted. Now you're probably saying 'didn't you just say you spent the greater part of your college career bullshitting in a cafeteria' and yes while this may be true, I frankly didn't want to spend money and actually having my friends there indirectly kept me in check. Losing weight doesn't get any easier as you get older and I kinda hear that the point where it gets to get more difficult is past 25 so the way I look at it I've got some time still to make it happen. Oh to be skinny. haha.
But honestly, as much as losing weight has to do with physical appearance which is why a lot of people do it, for me it's starting to become more of a 'i just want to be healthy and live longer' kind of thing. seeing what diabetes has done to some members of my family it's becoming clear to me that I don't want to go through that. Genetically my body might having something else to say about it come 20 years from now and so if I can prevent that by lifting a few weights, breaking a sweat and curbing the bad foods a little then I'm cool with that. 150-160 is still the goal.

- Now that I don't walk around campus, my iPod has drastically declined in its usefulness. lol.

- my music scene is still declining and has a result, I've started to listen to more sports radio in the car. I enjoy it.


I guess that's it. Not sure when I'll blog again so enjoy this for a few months and i'll be "back and better than ever."

Anatomy of a Diet

The all elusive diet. A very challenging feat; well, depending who you are I suppose. It is really one of those challenges in life that is much easier said than done. The formula is simple really. Exert more than you take in. Cut down the amount of carbs and calories. EXERCISE. No big deal. However, the X-factor here is the role of will power. Some have it, Some don't. Some don't have enough of it. Some really don't care. I look deeper into this role of will power and see it almost as a reflection of one's own character. A reflection of your personal discipline and drive. People with strong will power probably see the this idea of a diet as simple. DON'T EAT BAD THINGS. easy. Stay away from bad. Lean more towards the good. It's really as simple as that. I on the other hand have a weaker will power. A reflection of my weakness? There came a point where I thought I had it pretty good, but in recent months I've let it go out of hand. Old habits die hard is the popular saying. It almost feels like this whole diet thing was much easier the first time around. January 2006 - 200lbs. January 2007- 168 lbs. Now - well I've been afraid to look quite frankly. Almost in shame of wasting what I've worked for. And so I have gone a long way since Jan 06' but I've had this goal of 150lbs for a long time because apparently that's the weight I've gotta be at for a person of my height. Summer 2007. I'm gonna try to make it happen.
Call it vain. Call it a useless obsession with weight. Weight has always been an issue with me. Most of my life I've mostly been complaining and not actually helping myself. To those close to me, it's probably all they hear; my constant complaints about weight. For that I apologize, seriously. It must get annoying. For something that has plagued me most of my life, something has got to change. I really have to get this monkey off my back so to speak. I've come to the conclusion that it's been my weight that represents the negative in my life. If I truly want to have a new beginning to my life, this is the way I've gotta do it. A lifestyle change.
Or maybe I'm looking too much into this. Maybe I should just keep it simple. Maybe this is the summer that it all happens...cuz I don't have much choice.

Hindsight is 20/20

I am about a week and a half removed from my graduation and departure from college. I must say it feels a bit strange...but I'm assuming that I'm not the only college graduate whose felt that before. I remember the night of my graduation i asked my cousin Ahren, "well what now?" and he said, "this is the part where you say to yourself, OH SHIT." I am very thankful for my college experience and though it wasn't the most typical, filled with parties and and alcohol, it was a learning experience, which is all i really could have asked for. Truth be told I've drank more now that I'm out of school than when I was in it, but I am hoping to mature on schedule. College has given me a good number of friends that I can actually feel good about, compared to the bunch of friends i accumulated in high school. There were a few good guys, the Adam's and Larry's of the world, but for the most part, my fellow alum from QP 03' could really care less about what happened to me, and I must say...the feeling is mutual.
There would be a lot of things I would have changed about my college experience, but what can I really do about it now? In essence, I've finished this chapter of my life, but with so many 'shoulda coulda woulda's' it's hard to really put closure on any of it. I sat there during my graduation ceremony watching all of these fellow students get there diploma and I realized, I only know 3 other graduates, and that sort of gave me a feeling of missing out. It gave me the feeling that even though I love my friends and I loved spending time with them...maybe there was more to college and sitting in robeson all day. Maybe there was something else going on that could have made me more knowledgable, or simply more fulfilled when I look back at my accomplishments. I sat in my chair happy and depressed at the same time. I looked at my family and for some reason they all decided to own a digital camera that day. With all the pictures and the smiles, the handshakes and hugs, a part of my couldn't help but feel ashamed about what I've done for the last 4 years. None of my friends from the class of 03' expected me to make it and I almost feel like I shouldn't have finished yet. It's tough to look forward when I've been looking back my whole life. College was supposed to be different in a way, but 4 years later, day dreaming, I realized that my college career wasn't defined by my accomplishments, but rather I define my experience by what I failed to accomplish.

And so with this, the real world awaits. I'm not too afraid, at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I think I'll be fine. I've got big plans and a laundry list of 'what if's' to start working on.

Quick Rant

After receiving a B in Intro to Photo, it has become clearer to me that maybe I'm just not that great of a photographer. A friend of mine is a good one and on different occasions I've asked him what he sees in some photos because it seems that artists just have a different eye for these kinds of things. All this time I just took what I thought looked cool, when maybe there should be a little more thought behind what I'm taking. Or maybe not? maybe photography is just a big subjective hoax and deep down it is about what simply catches the eye.

maybe i just need a new camera. har har.





Graduation in less than 48 hours. Thoughts coming soon.

The Bikery. The Downfall of My Life.

when i was looking for my first job, i wasn't thinking Stop & Shop for 3 and 1/2 years. I was mostly thinking that i should get a job because that's what teenagers did and it was time i had dipped my hand in the job market. as i was searching my cousin was really big into bikes. i was too but the difference was that i liked freestyle bikes, like the ones you'd see at the X-games or something. my cousin on the other hand was into mountain/marathon kind of bikes. when i mentioned i was looking for a job he took me to the bike shop he goes to called The Bikery up in Montclair. right away i was thinking 'man these bikes are for old folks.' they sold Gary Fisher bikes. i mean come on right? you yourself may not know much about bikes but i was big into the freestyle brands like GT, Haro, Schwinn...and Gary Fisher? needless to say i wasn't too excited, but my cousin kept recommending, "yeah you should work here, they are real cool and you'll learn a lot." immature me was thinking "man idk, these bikes aren't my thing and i'll be afraid to mess up. on top of that i'd like to make friends my age, not become buddy buddy with the late 20's/early 30's crowd." days later i remember that i called them up and the owner said 'yeah come by for an interview.' I never did...instead...i chose Stop & Shop and spent the nearly 4 years of my teenage life rotting behind a self-scan machine. it seems like a minute detail in life now. i mean everyone's had those 'bottom up jobs we'd like to forget' but looking back on it, i clearly think i made the wrong choice. instead of standing around for years at Stop & Shop, i could have been working with my hands, learning, making use of my mind. who knows, maybe that could have changed the course of everything. maybe instead of being weeks away from graduating Rutgers with a psychology degree, i would have been graduating NJIT with engineering or something. maybe that's a stretch, and i guess i can just file that under one of the many 'what if's' that i'm leaving as my trail.

I Like Phone Booths.

Phone Booths are gangsta...in Black and White. and possible with a better camera. and more creativity.

More Visuals.

just random stuff i may or may not have handed in.