Glass half-empty? or a lazy waiter?

well it seems i have the stamina for a 70 year old chain smoker.

on a brighter note, the weight loss/diet program has gained some momentum.

despite the fact today was a bad eating day...a cheat day if you will...i am still confident that i can stay on course.

drop five more by April.

2008: A Review. 2009: A Preview

Well I've got the day off and I figured it might be a good time to blog.  A little year-in-review action I suppose.  It's a little tough with not really a whole lot going on this year. At least I can't remember anything at the moment. I'll write what comes to mind, so let's walk and talk as I tell you what's gone on and what I hope goes on next year.

I still work at the restaurant which is whatever. I mean it's really my choice if i want to make it a fulfilling experience or if i wanna sulk about it.  Honestly I doubt anyone is even hiring right now so if I'm just gonna pick up a job i might as well do something where my family is benefitting.  it was recently brought to my attention by my cousin from AZ that this job has numerous aspects of it that make it relevant to jobs i may or may not be applying to in the future.  Things that won't make me feel so stumped when I'm finally sitting in the interview process and the guy asks "so what have you been doing?"

Every year my list of resolutions is completely identical.  it's pretty pitiful but it's also a testament to how much i really DON'T try.  if only i did, i would like to think i can accomplish more than i think but many times in the learning process I just get too lazy.  That's a bad habit.  I only get one mind and one body so I should try to get it going in the right direction.  I'm put on a few pounds since my healthier days in college but i hope to change that soon.  I notice a lot of people starting to get in better shape and I think i should follow.  What sometimes frustrates me is that before everyone else started getting healthy and losing weight, I did it first.  I am the former success story. now i fell back and everyone is moving forward.  Foreshadowing? I hope not.  But yeah, so I'm hoping to return to some sort of cardio driven lifestyle and maybe start lifting by summertime but nothing bulky.  Bulky is a little much.  I would like to get my stamina up and hopefully play some basketball because as bad as I am on the court, I probably wouldn't be thaaaat bad if i had actual energy and wasn't gasping for breath all the time.

I still didn't learn a lick of guitar and I haven't finished any books that I own.  lol.  Fantasy Sports tends to engulf my life.  I need better time management.  it's funny because some people tend to make time for reading because they really enjoy it.  I don't think i get the same joy, i just want to because i figured maybe it can make me smarter but I still can't get myself to finish a damn book.

I really need more patience when it comes to things like that.  Sometimes it's like once i encounter some sort of dilemma my mind just shuts down and doesn't want to deal with it.  that's not good.

in 2008 my Dell Comp died and hopefully it will come back in a new wiped out form.  the positive, it will work again.  The negative, i may have lost my pictures and music....yet again.  can someone say external hard drive? anyway, i've recently become the new owner of an IMac and I'd love to tell you more about it but I got to lazy to play with it because all i tend to do on comps is go on the internet.  Not much of a game/adobe/uploading/downloading type of person.  I've always needed a comp for 2 things: internet and for typing reports.  I no longer have to do the latter, unless you count blogging but that too is done online.

I find new years to be the most depressing holiday of them all.  Yes it's joyous in the sense that it's a new beginning.  However, that too never made sense to me. I always had a different timeline growing up because for me a "year" is my year in school.  The regular calender means you are essentially in two different school grades and sometimes i just find it hard to relate the two. anyway, i digress.  the point is i'm always stuck with all these things that i didn't get to do.  maybe it's time to stop that shit ya know? I mean I'm not getting any younger and sitting around and looking back was never really in style so I gotta figure something out.  Something that can jumpstart something in my life.  It's become way to mundane and I find myself being very bitter.  nothing to specifically be bitter about, I just find myself being angry.  Sometimes it would be nice to be happy about things.  Not in that fake way like other people, but just sort of content for the time being.  I think it all comes down to knowing that you're living your life and doing your best to make the most of it.  Effort was never always my forte and I don't feel like I'm trying my best.  I think it's mainly because i rather use my energy for something that i care about.  Problem is i don't really care about much....not in that passionate type of way at least.  I'll see.  Sometimes people put their best foot forward because that's just the way it is.  Try your best and everything you do.  Yeah that sounds good. We'll see how that goes. I'm trying to say that in the most non-sarcastic way possible.  I just strive to be a multi-faceted individual who has fulfilling experiences.

So what does 2009 have in store? Well let's list the obvious..

-lose some weight where i can fit into the clothes i bought when i was skinnier.  also, I'm turning 24 in a few weeks and metabolism already hates me and it's not gonna get any better so i need to make at least one more push towards my ultimate goal.  At this pt. weight loss of any sort sounds good.  baby steps.

- try to learn things.  Just open my mind to absorbing information.  It's hard because I have a personal diagnosis of what i like to all 'readers ADD' because i can't read for a long time without me getting distracted and simply saying in my head 'shit this is getting long.'  I just want to be knowledgeable because i find myself saying 'I Don't Know" way too many times.

- learn guitar.....for the 80,000th time.

- figure out what i want to do with my life in terms of the type of job I want to look for.  I know it's boring for girls...to find guys who fall into routine but honestly that's what i need, otherwise, i don't perform well at my jobs.  if i constantly feel hectic, i'm gonna mess up something so when i do find i job, i'll probably intend to stay for awhile till i get comfortable.  maybe that doesn't sound good but for me to not be constantly stressed out i might need that sort of daily routine, as boring as it may sound.  then if something else comes up and i feel i'm ready, then move on.  That's getting way ahead of myself though. 

To expand on the whole idea of routine, I just watched that movie YesMan and a lot of people tend to be attracted to spontaneity.  That's gonna be trouble for a person like me.  I find myself very boring and sometimes I like to go to "my favorite this or that and i don't particularly find it a bad thing to do some of the same things over again.  I understand not everything can be like that and i too would get bored but it's just very intimidating to see spontaneous people do their thing.  I"m not sure if i'll ever become that type of person.  I can occasionally but then i get worried that, that type of thing would start to be expected and instead of appreciating when i am, people will just question it.  maybe that goes back to the whole expanding my horizons resolution.  Yes Man had this whole thing about opening up to new life experiences but i find that might be a little impractical, especially because i don't live in a Hollywood dreamworld.  You only live once though. I don't know, it's like i make excuses for myself to say No.  I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with the way I approach things.  Sometimes I just think that maybe there's another approach.

- I'm taking photography off of the list this year because I'm just losing interest with it.  It's just not for me.  I'm not the type to walk around with my camera and just take random pictures.  It's a trendy thing to do and if you enjoy it, that's great.  If you're great at it, even better.  I'm not sure if I'm like that.  I only see some things that would look cool while others see the world as a constant Kodak Moment waiting to happen.  I would like to borrow their eyes for a day. Zooey Deschanel (who i love) said in that Yes Man movie that as kids we used to see the world as a playground and at some point we lost that outlook.  I thought it was an interesting point, from an adventurous person's point of view.

-  I'm hoping to get into good enough shape to join my friends basketball team.  I don't even want to play in a real game.  Maybe just practice.  Get in that cardio and prove that I can still make a jumpshot.

-  sometimes i feel that it doesn't matter what job i do, if i do it long enough i'll probably get sick of it.  I hoping that i can obtain a more positive outlook in life.  I tend to get tired of things like work.  maybe tired is the wrong word, but nothing else is coming to life.  Its like that feeling like you're just not enjoying yourself and everyday can feel like a waste of time.  is there a word for that? 

I like living in a place like NJ/NY because it doesn't matter if you have a bad day because you're allowed to be an asshole around here but sometimes I'm an asshole everyday and even i say to myself 'hey lighten up.'  I don't like to be happy all the time and i don't like being around really happy people. It just freaks me out. It feels fake but at the same time, nobody likes a grouch either.  whatta killjoy.

anyway, I'm hoping a can do a little bit of growing this year.  A little soul searching.  I'm not looking for a monumental life change, although that may not be too bad.  I just don't want to write another annual self-assessment next year and find myself writing about the same stuff. So what's up 2009?  Let's make it count.

"My old clothes don't fit like they once did, so they hang like ghosts, of the people I've Been"

I remember when i graduated 8th Grade, we had this yearbook. Nothing professional, it was pretty much a class project with an exceptional amount of construction paper and scanned pictures and such. Anyway, there was this section of the yearbook where it was a prophecy. Maybe that's too dramatic. It was more of a 'where you'll be in 10 years." I remember mine saying I was gonna be this comedy star on Saturday Night Live. In reality, I'm more suited to be a writer on the show. I'm not much of an actor. Comedy used to be a big part of me. I really enjoyed making people laugh. I used to enjoy laughing. Nowadays laughing has more of this bipolar feeling to it. It's fun, but you're just ignoring the bullshit around you. It's fun but after the laughs, where are you? Possibly a temporary feeling of "hey it's not so bad.' Hell, it's probably not that bad.
I used to really be into stand-up comedy.
The summer before I entered high school i remember my cousin Chris and I had this tape recorder and all summer we'd talk to this tape recorder as if we were this radio station. At the time we were this modern rock station playing the good stuff like Rage and Green Day and stuff. I also wanted to create this Comedy radio station. It's sort of innovative. I mean, I don't think there's a comedy radio station around here. It was actually the idea of radio that made me want to go to Seton Hall because of 89.5 WSOU.
I should have done a radio segment on the Rutgers Radio Station but I never quite did. I didn't do half the shit i should have. Maybe that's the depressing part about all this. That explains a lot.
The whole wave of bubble-gum pop used to make me feel unique. The whole wave of hip-hop used to make me feel unique. I liked music that most people in my high school didn't. Now, it's not so special. It's actually kind of looked down upon. All these damn teeny boppers ruining punk and pop and whatever is left of it. Now i find myself clamoring for good new music where before i was always ahead of the curve.
It's funny because people used to do this one-up sort of conversation when it came to music..
"you know this band?'
"yep, do you know these guys?"
"yeah they're good, how about these guys?"
"Oh yeah, How bout these guys?"
"Yeah man definitely, the new CD is sick. They sound like these other guys, (insert band name)"
"Who's that?"
YOU WIN.
I used to want to play music but I think that ship is sailing away....FAST. I don't put in effort to learn and I'm not much of a self-teacher so maybe once I get a steady job I'll find a place that gives lessons and give it a real shot. I'll put in effort then, cuz I'll be paying for it.
Sometimes I really wonder if I have an actual passion for writing. I doubt it, but people tell me it's what I do best. Others may disagree, mainly people I know who are equally as good, probably better. I don't know big words. I just write the way I think. Sometimes I try too hard to write something good, where I believe you can't always force it. if you do, you'll just sound fake.
I remember there was this time in college where i realized, i'm gonna finish in psych and I better figure something out. At the time I told myself I'd like to have a steady job in Human Resources but I also wanted to be a free-lance writer and a free lance-photographer. The whole photography thing is doomed to become nothing more than a hobby because I just don't care for it as much as I thought. It just sounds cool and looks cool. Everyone thinks they're a fucking photographer. It's all subjective bullshit. If it looks like, more people like it. Real Artsy people will site actual technicalities with it and they could very well be right. My point is, everyone is not a photographer. It's a talent. Unfortunately, if you buy a camera expensive and high tech enough, it can make anything look dope...making people think they're talented. Who am I to say though?
I got a C in that class.
And so I feel I've arrived at this point where I'm without an identity. I've lost what I was because of my indecision of what I wanted to become. if that makes any sense? Ok, I don't wanna say I'm without an identity. It sounds a little too pathetic because it's not quite that severe. It's more along the line where I've had a life full of these ideas; some more realistic than others, and I've never quite acted fully on any one of them and maybe it's time that I do because well, at this point, I don't have anything to lose. I'm usually one to scoff that the idea of self-journeys and self-discovery. Everyone is always trying to discover themselves as if everyone has an identity crisis, so let's not call it that.
Let's just say it's time to man up. Less thinking. More doing.

"Fuck my Life"

My sentiments exactly.

I'm a Closet Fan

you do you and i'll do me.

Heineken Light on Friday Night

It's been quite a busy week that only looks to get worse cuz i have to go to work tomorrow as well. Just feel like laying out and taking some time out to clear my head.

-we've had to cater to the Philippine Consulate for the last couple of days as well as other caterings. it's been busy but i've gotta find a way to stay on course in terms of what i'm trying to do this Fall.

- It's easier to muster up courage when you've got nothing to lose so i'm looking to write out a cover letter soon and hopefully it's a killer one. I need to see if that writer in me has died.

- Recently obtained a pair of Jordan III's. I guess the old hypebeast in me wanted some closure. they're a little big tho. cwap.

- my first and second issue of Rolling Stone came in the mail today. Reading is Fundamental.

- my Dell D esktop is on the verge of crashing or something. That's unfortunate because it's never given me problems. one time it crashed on me but it wasn't my doing so i have no idea what exactly happened. Other than that, it's never had a blue screen or anything. I don't download music. I don't download porn contrary to popular belief. I literally don't do much on it besides go to the internet...and it still is giving me this one problem. What did I ever do to it? It's a sadistic world.
It looks like my time has come to explore the world of Macbooks. I probably should have asked for one for graduation but no one uses the desktop at home and it is/was a fine computer so why waste the money to get another one. Yes, it would have been more practical to get one during college because honestly, where am I gonna bring it? If i end up getting an office job, there will be a computer there and once i get home it's just me and the desktop. However, in the spirit of "the in thing," I guess I will elect to go with a laptop. There is no confirmation tho.
also, i deleted AIM thinking that may have contributed to the problem because it said that there was some sort of corrupt file within the program. whatever. It's in the midst of a slow downfall.
my new problem is backing everything up because I've lost my music and pictures once, and it wasn't fun so hey if anyone has a spare external hard drive, bring it on!

- I catered this 7 yr old's party last week at OLM and I saw this kid who was playing with a finger skateboard, a tech deck if you will, and yeah.....I showed him what's up. The sad part about that is that I'm 23.

- Fall 08' : Job Hunt & Diet. Don't lose the big picture because frankly, I've got nothing else.


eh on second thought, this was a pretty pointless blog entry.

My Mind, The Nest of Unorganized Thoughts.

-The Cycle: encounter --> initial intrigue --> slight advance --> intrigue dies
seen it, lived it.
something climatic or anti-climatic occurs.
it's probably me. which is fine but one day i'd like the person to be a good sport and just explain why. it's happened too often for me to believe that there can't be a common thread between it all.

- There's probably a thinner line than you think, between Boredom and Comfort.

- Let's face it...you win. You're better than me.

-Making out is probably an underrated stress relieving activity...if you don't attach any sort of emotional connections or make a big deal out of it. I could be wrong.

- 175 by Age 24. I should probably have more goals than my fucking weight. It's such a sad broken record. What's more sad is that I remember when I was real young I would ask God (like a naive child) to help me lose some weight. "if you help me lose it, I'll be able to maintain it and keep it off." The help came 2 years ago. 2 years later most of it is back and I probably symbolically lied to God. Yep. I'm an asshole.

- You were ready to go. I might be second guessing if I was.

- It could very well be jealousy that leads to my discomfort.

- There are many situations where I virtually "have nothing to lose" but treat the situation as if I do.

- There's a fine line between cleaning your room and simply hiding all your shit.

- If I foresee myself in the office setting while relating to characters in The Office...I'd probably hope to be Jim: the cool collected guy. smart. good at what he does. doesn't let the job stress him out.
I might end up like Toby: miserable. on top of that, he's in HR.

- sometimes i give playful pushes to people i know. A few times I probably over did it. sorry bout that, wanna be friends again? haha.

- I have the most useless iTunes ever.

- Fall Fasting. I gotta lose this shit even if it's the only meaningful thing I do in the near future. i hope other meaningful things will come with it.

- Some days are easier than others in terms of acceptance. Maybe it's hard in terms of accepting that all that time amounted to such little waiting afterward.
you're over it. maybe i can't get over that just yet.

- I don't have any problem with you. or you.

- There are times where I miss those YFC days. those were fun.



ok i think i'll sleep now.










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