MOVVVVED.

perfunktory.tumblr.com

it's that new ish. well not really new. had it for awhile and decided, who really needs more than one blog?? so yeah catch me there.

Know what you are.

I used to blog a lot in college. In recent years I stopped. It started to be looked down upon. A lot of times (obviously not all the time, but a number of times) I would read others and it would come off as emo. Funny, i used to call myself the Original Emo. It was almost how i identified myself in my early years of college. These days, and probably those days as well, emo kids are looked down upon. They're looked at as losers who are too busy feeling sorry for themselves.

...so i stopped blogging. I would do it occasionally just to update. That simple use is useless now too because it's a lot more accessible to see how others are doing now, with facebook. in the early days of college circa 2002-04, there was pretty much just xanga, possibly friendster, and probably myspace...none of which are even close to the way fb connects everyone.

i digress. I stopped blogging because I wanted to stop being emo. No one wants to hear that shit, let's be honest. However, I and other 'emo' kids just kept on writing shit...probably hoping that others would read it and get a better glimpse of what was going on inside. Not really to comment, more-so just to be aware i suppose. or maybe I'm completely off base. I stopped blogging because i didn't want to be seen as emo anymore. it was time to grow up and continue along and figure it out as i went along. too much writing meant too much thinking which lead to overanalyzing aaand after all that you'd be back at step 1. the cooler thing to do was to simply not blog. say nothing. maybe come off as if everything's cool. Those were always the cooler blogs that got all the comments anyway. The 2 sentence entries and not the 4 paragraph ones. Who really wants to sit through 4 paragraphs? Less is more.

So I said Goodbye Blog. I didn't want to be that guy. THE EMO GUY.

In the process, I stopped writing. I used to enjoy writing. Idk why but the only thing I was good at writing was emo blogs. that sounds completely ludicrous but I wasn't much of a story teller so I never wrote a book or anything. I was just good at making my shitty day, sound worse. call it a gift. call it a curse. going onnnn and onnn about a whole lotta 'boo hoo this, boo hoo that.' A whole bunch of bullshit is what is was. All that stuff that runs through the mind. Like i said, Bullshit. Funny thing is that everyone has a lot of it in their heads too.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Truth be told, when i logged on I really just meant to write 2 sentences and now look where that got me.

Everyone's got emo days or tendencies. if they don't, they're probably hiding it. or maybe delusional. or maybe, just maybe, they're CONTENT. imagine that. I wonder what that'd be like. I could probably find out if i stopped blogging and found out. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK...

If I ever get the ultimate privilege to meet God, I'll respectfully ask for an explanation.

A friend of mine passed away several days ago. I'm not going to pretend that we were best friends or anything, but I'm proud to say that we were friends. Casual, at best, you would say, but I'd like to think that he thought I was alright. The feeling is mutual.

He was a good kid. Few years younger than me, which also contributes to why we weren't tighter, seeing that I was out of college by the time he was a sophomore. Nonetheless, college was the best time of my life and I'm glad he was a part of it. He used to laugh at my jokes. I guess I'm easy to win over in that way. I never quite understood why he always wore his hat slightly slanted and tilted or why his pants were constantly sagging...but what can I say? He had more style than me, that's for sure. haha.

Don't really have too many memories of that guy besides hanging out in Robeson, but the other place where my other memories of him are in the Golden Dome. That guy always played ball. I think he always wanted to prove that he was good. I always felt in the back of my mind that he has this determination to constantly get better and prove that he was good enough to run with anyone. I remember watching one of his games when he played in the Hoopsville league. I think it was a playoff game. A game not many thought his team could win. However, they did win...and I remember his had this look on his face when he went to go hug on of his teammates after the final buzzer (it may have been Marc) and he just looked so happy. I don't know why that stands out so much. I think some may have thought he was a bit cocky on the court. I just think he wanted to prove he belonged. And he does. No Question about it. Not many spin moves prettier than his, I'll tell you that much. Except this one time he did it during a pickup game and it spun right into my arm and it hit my ribs. It hurt for a week. what the heck dude?? Jk.

Damn good ball player and a damn good guy. I'll look forward to getting to know you better in the next life brother.

RIP Nick.

a word(s) on summer 2009..and a pinch on Life.

During June, it seemed like it rained everyday. even if it was warm, it seemed to rain at some point. A couple of months left. Hopefully less rain.

Time to fix Life. Preferably my own.

A triumphant return to the gym is in order. I really think that through that type of discipline, it will also have positive effects on other aspects of my life. It probably won't have a direct influence but it may play some sort of role. Even if it doesn't, going to the gym in itself is a positive so I'll leave it at that.

A note on a gym lifestyle:

- I don't think I'll ever be the guy who completely shuts out "bad" food from my life. If you dig deep enough, everything is bad for you one way or another so you can't base your life on that. It is my belief that the NJ/NY area we live in has the best cuisine in the country and to deprive yourself of experiencing some of that cuisine while you live here is a great disservice to yourself. Now I'm not saying eat bad foods all the time. What I'm saying is that for me, I'd like to find a balance where I can feel good about my health and at the same time, enjoy the food 'good or bad' that this area has to offer. Basically, I'd like to get to the point where I can have a Shake Shack burger every once in awhile and not feel like shit for the rest of the day.

Finally got Microsoft Office for my Mac. Hopefully that can get the ball rolling with learning how to use it so I don't feel like a blatant liar when I say on my resume' "proficient in Microsoft Office." Needless to say I took MIS in Rutgers during my second semester of Senior Year (maybe it was the First, it's all a blur), so I didn't exactly go to all the classes (I miss college).

Early in the new year I finished 2 books. I know for some that's not a goal or a admirable feat, but for me it was. I never have the patience to sit and read a book and finishing 2 in about 5 days was very exciting for me. Since then I've gone back to the book drought. Some read for enjoyment and hobby, I read for personal fulfillment and success. It's terrible. My logic for books goes like this:

- if you watch a bad movie, you've wasted an average of 2 hours...if you read a bad book, you've wasted days. Days you will never have back. Some will argue that you can get a sense if the book is bad. Yes, I'd agree with that to a certain extent but sometimes you also hear that "let the story develop" argument and if you go down that path and are proven wrong, that has to be very upsetting. (the latest Indiana Jones was the worst movie EVER. given it's build-up and history of the other movies, it really dropped the ball and flat out sucked).

Back to the books, I plan on finishing my Chuck Palahnuik book Survivor and the book that Emile lent me The Brief Wundrous Life of Oscar Wao. Less facebook, more real books.

I go on and on on this blog about ideals of self-improvement. Believe me, you can scroll to the older blogs; it's the same old song and dance. The truth is I'm 24, people are growing impatient with my reluctancy to truly grow into the next phase of life. I've lost a sense that people have faith in what I have to offer. I've lost relationship(s). My health has greatly deteriorated since I left college. I'm losing more and more faith in myself. I just have to suck it up. I have to find out if this mind of mine still works. "I trying to find out if my words have any meaning."

People go on and on about the American Dream. Fulfilling your dreams. I've never quite had dreams, I just knew that I didn't want to be broke. People also say it's never too late. In some ways, sometimes it is, unless you have money. Would I have done college differently? Hindsight being 20/20 says yes. What are my dreams now? Well I would have liked to have joined the school paper and done some sports writing. I really enjoy sports no matter what people say about it. My friend told me once in reaction to why he doesn't watch sports regularly, "I watch shows where you actually learn something, what am I going to learn from a baseball game." I took a little offense, but at the same time, It makes a little bit of sense. I look at it more of expanding my horizons. Anyway I digress a bit; the point is, sometimes it no longer becomes finding/fulfilling a dream. Maybe it becomes more about becoming content and finding your way. My uncle once said, "people are too hung up on this idea of the American Dream. This idea of happiness. It's a fine idea but at the end of the day, do you know what can make you happy? Putting food on the table and a roof over your head and your family." Ok, that wasn't verbatim, but it's an old quote, so cut me some slack.

I have a bet going with my friend on who can lose more weight. Winner gets $50. I may have mentioned it in passed blogs. Anyway, we keep pushing back the deadline (original was June, Now it's August at some point.) He's in the PI right now...getting FAT i hope. This is my chance to take the lead. I already had a lead...but then Lent ended and so did my discipline. A new day, a new hope. A new cause.

I bring a notebook to work and write in it everyday or mostly everyday trying to motivate myself. I put up a dry eraser board in my room last year to hopefully do the same. Sometimes words are just words. Action and Focus is the trick. My friend who lent me the Oscar Wao book also recommended a motivational book. I should maybe borrow it. I always had an iffy stance on it because sometimes I'd be rebellious against such books because every once in a while my pride will come out and say, "I can do it without it."

Maybe I'll give it a shot. It can't hurt.

Well this ran much longer than I previously anticipated.

Things I Might Have Learned About Myself during my Trip to Vegas

1. It's very possible that "I can't hang." .... more specifically, I'm a beer guy, get those hard drinks away from me, they taste like shit.

2. It's very possible that I value sleep more than a majority of my friends (at least the ones who went)...get some sleep, we're on vacation for God's sake, what's so important at 8a.m. when you're on vacation?

3. It's very possible that when it comes to being around fellow party goers, I can be a walking, talking, buzz-kill. apologies, its a curse. Honestly.

4. In a related note to 4....I'm a BAD WINGMAN. Maybe it was my shirt.

5. In a related note to 5 : Girls at a bar or lounge are probably the ones i'd like to meet...for dinner one night.

Girls at a club are probably the ones I'd like to meet....in bed.

A girl that fits the best of those two worlds is one i'd like to meet....right now.

GOOD NIGHT.

I own 2 blogs for no good reason at all.

i am not the most gifted computer person in the world, in fact, i may be the complete opposite...which explains the mundane appearance of my blog.

Vegas is coming.  Maybe I need to get out of here for a bit. Will always love Jersey even though everyone here is on Cali's dick...but i will defend my home till i die...which is getting tougher because guidos are making this place more and more embarassing by the day.

recently i told my sister a story where i found myself getting offended by someone else and instead of agreeing with me she said, "maybe you're too sensitive."  I never quite looked at it that way.  maybe i am.  I don't think I'm that sensitive, but maybe just a tad.  However I will also acknowledge that I'm probably just weird like that and get offended by little things from time to time.  In a related note, KHL. (keep hating the ladies. it's a movement. it's a lifestyle.)

8 days till vacation and I'm a beached whale.

Las Vegas

heading to sin city in about a month. till then its time for a crash diet plan of sorts.

this will probably be my last trip for awhile cuz afterwards i am going to start aiming for a real job plan for my life.  i've wasted far too much time.  i guess it was always a point of trying to do what makes me feel alright.  i've had too many jobs in my life where i hated going to work.  i get that i'm not going to love my jobs all the time.  most of the time it becomes the 'just another day at the office' approach, so i guess i've been stalling all this time because i'm afraid of becoming miserable.  afraid of failing and getting fired.  i don't know.  plus the timing just wasn't right.  now everything seems to be falling into place and it's looking like my window to leave the restaurant and do something else, has arrived.  it's pretty intimidating.  it's pretty sad as well because most people have this feeling after they graduate; not 2 years after they graduate.  i need to get rid of the fear of failing and just jump in i suppose.

so i'm going to try to let loose a little bit in Vegas.  try to have some fun because once i get a job i fully expect to be a little miserable, or at least very stressed until i get used to everything, which takes me awhile.  i don't like it when things get hectic.  that probably explains why i was a shitty waiter.  I'm more or less just babbling at this point and i just felt like writing something cuz what use is this damn site if i don't.  

p.s. i need to find more productive ways to occupy my time.  especially online.  i'm not the greatest web surfer.

also congrats to the upcoming graduating Class of 2009.  all of my ties to college are slowly but surely dwindling and entering the real world.  my God i'm getting old.