Anatomy of a Diet

The all elusive diet. A very challenging feat; well, depending who you are I suppose. It is really one of those challenges in life that is much easier said than done. The formula is simple really. Exert more than you take in. Cut down the amount of carbs and calories. EXERCISE. No big deal. However, the X-factor here is the role of will power. Some have it, Some don't. Some don't have enough of it. Some really don't care. I look deeper into this role of will power and see it almost as a reflection of one's own character. A reflection of your personal discipline and drive. People with strong will power probably see the this idea of a diet as simple. DON'T EAT BAD THINGS. easy. Stay away from bad. Lean more towards the good. It's really as simple as that. I on the other hand have a weaker will power. A reflection of my weakness? There came a point where I thought I had it pretty good, but in recent months I've let it go out of hand. Old habits die hard is the popular saying. It almost feels like this whole diet thing was much easier the first time around. January 2006 - 200lbs. January 2007- 168 lbs. Now - well I've been afraid to look quite frankly. Almost in shame of wasting what I've worked for. And so I have gone a long way since Jan 06' but I've had this goal of 150lbs for a long time because apparently that's the weight I've gotta be at for a person of my height. Summer 2007. I'm gonna try to make it happen.
Call it vain. Call it a useless obsession with weight. Weight has always been an issue with me. Most of my life I've mostly been complaining and not actually helping myself. To those close to me, it's probably all they hear; my constant complaints about weight. For that I apologize, seriously. It must get annoying. For something that has plagued me most of my life, something has got to change. I really have to get this monkey off my back so to speak. I've come to the conclusion that it's been my weight that represents the negative in my life. If I truly want to have a new beginning to my life, this is the way I've gotta do it. A lifestyle change.
Or maybe I'm looking too much into this. Maybe I should just keep it simple. Maybe this is the summer that it all happens...cuz I don't have much choice.

Hindsight is 20/20

I am about a week and a half removed from my graduation and departure from college. I must say it feels a bit strange...but I'm assuming that I'm not the only college graduate whose felt that before. I remember the night of my graduation i asked my cousin Ahren, "well what now?" and he said, "this is the part where you say to yourself, OH SHIT." I am very thankful for my college experience and though it wasn't the most typical, filled with parties and and alcohol, it was a learning experience, which is all i really could have asked for. Truth be told I've drank more now that I'm out of school than when I was in it, but I am hoping to mature on schedule. College has given me a good number of friends that I can actually feel good about, compared to the bunch of friends i accumulated in high school. There were a few good guys, the Adam's and Larry's of the world, but for the most part, my fellow alum from QP 03' could really care less about what happened to me, and I must say...the feeling is mutual.
There would be a lot of things I would have changed about my college experience, but what can I really do about it now? In essence, I've finished this chapter of my life, but with so many 'shoulda coulda woulda's' it's hard to really put closure on any of it. I sat there during my graduation ceremony watching all of these fellow students get there diploma and I realized, I only know 3 other graduates, and that sort of gave me a feeling of missing out. It gave me the feeling that even though I love my friends and I loved spending time with them...maybe there was more to college and sitting in robeson all day. Maybe there was something else going on that could have made me more knowledgable, or simply more fulfilled when I look back at my accomplishments. I sat in my chair happy and depressed at the same time. I looked at my family and for some reason they all decided to own a digital camera that day. With all the pictures and the smiles, the handshakes and hugs, a part of my couldn't help but feel ashamed about what I've done for the last 4 years. None of my friends from the class of 03' expected me to make it and I almost feel like I shouldn't have finished yet. It's tough to look forward when I've been looking back my whole life. College was supposed to be different in a way, but 4 years later, day dreaming, I realized that my college career wasn't defined by my accomplishments, but rather I define my experience by what I failed to accomplish.

And so with this, the real world awaits. I'm not too afraid, at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I think I'll be fine. I've got big plans and a laundry list of 'what if's' to start working on.

Quick Rant

After receiving a B in Intro to Photo, it has become clearer to me that maybe I'm just not that great of a photographer. A friend of mine is a good one and on different occasions I've asked him what he sees in some photos because it seems that artists just have a different eye for these kinds of things. All this time I just took what I thought looked cool, when maybe there should be a little more thought behind what I'm taking. Or maybe not? maybe photography is just a big subjective hoax and deep down it is about what simply catches the eye.

maybe i just need a new camera. har har.





Graduation in less than 48 hours. Thoughts coming soon.

The Bikery. The Downfall of My Life.

when i was looking for my first job, i wasn't thinking Stop & Shop for 3 and 1/2 years. I was mostly thinking that i should get a job because that's what teenagers did and it was time i had dipped my hand in the job market. as i was searching my cousin was really big into bikes. i was too but the difference was that i liked freestyle bikes, like the ones you'd see at the X-games or something. my cousin on the other hand was into mountain/marathon kind of bikes. when i mentioned i was looking for a job he took me to the bike shop he goes to called The Bikery up in Montclair. right away i was thinking 'man these bikes are for old folks.' they sold Gary Fisher bikes. i mean come on right? you yourself may not know much about bikes but i was big into the freestyle brands like GT, Haro, Schwinn...and Gary Fisher? needless to say i wasn't too excited, but my cousin kept recommending, "yeah you should work here, they are real cool and you'll learn a lot." immature me was thinking "man idk, these bikes aren't my thing and i'll be afraid to mess up. on top of that i'd like to make friends my age, not become buddy buddy with the late 20's/early 30's crowd." days later i remember that i called them up and the owner said 'yeah come by for an interview.' I never did...instead...i chose Stop & Shop and spent the nearly 4 years of my teenage life rotting behind a self-scan machine. it seems like a minute detail in life now. i mean everyone's had those 'bottom up jobs we'd like to forget' but looking back on it, i clearly think i made the wrong choice. instead of standing around for years at Stop & Shop, i could have been working with my hands, learning, making use of my mind. who knows, maybe that could have changed the course of everything. maybe instead of being weeks away from graduating Rutgers with a psychology degree, i would have been graduating NJIT with engineering or something. maybe that's a stretch, and i guess i can just file that under one of the many 'what if's' that i'm leaving as my trail.

I Like Phone Booths.

Phone Booths are gangsta...in Black and White. and possible with a better camera. and more creativity.

More Visuals.

just random stuff i may or may not have handed in.

Things of That Sort.

Photo ideas for project 2. I took these, but once again, I look down on them.

Amateur.

Photos from my first project. Hoping to get better because I'm not liking these. It feels really generic and I need to get a knack for finding creativity in the environment. Here they are for your viewing nontheless.

Twenty - Two on 22

So on the 22nd, I actually turned 22. It was a quiet day, which is usually how I like it just cuz I guess I like to not create a big deal out of things. The actual day itself didn't turn out too bad. While my classes were hell and it seems like my arm will fall off on mondays and wednesdays due to the amount of notes I have to take...I ended the day with the gf at Pizza Hut. Nothing fancy. Last year I remember we went to Morton's Steakhouse, which was good but it's safe to say that 22 is much less eventful than the special venues or events held on a 21st birthday. Anyway, I wanted to Pizza Hut, and since the last time I was there on my birthday was probably my 14th, I figured what the hell? Breadsticks, Wings, and Pizza...I'm happy. simple.

What's not so simple is this whole 'getting old' feel that grabbed a hold of me for all of about 10 minutes that day. it's a little intimidating, seeing that the real world is not too far behind. The world's gonna kick my ass just like how it's kicking my parent's ass. (death to Red Ribbon, and the incoming Jollibee and incoming Chow King...but that's a different story). I'm just starting to feel the pressure to perform after i get out of college. Landing a job with a psych major is really tough but I'm hoping i can land something and not take too many shots, and hope for the bell to ring to get me out of this round...so to speak. This is the situation i put myself in so I just gotta deal with it cuz it's too late now to say 'hey mom you were right, i should have become a nurse.'

so 22? it's only been a day but right now it feels a whole lot like 21...but ask me again in the fall.