MOVVVVED.

perfunktory.tumblr.com

it's that new ish. well not really new. had it for awhile and decided, who really needs more than one blog?? so yeah catch me there.

Know what you are.

I used to blog a lot in college. In recent years I stopped. It started to be looked down upon. A lot of times (obviously not all the time, but a number of times) I would read others and it would come off as emo. Funny, i used to call myself the Original Emo. It was almost how i identified myself in my early years of college. These days, and probably those days as well, emo kids are looked down upon. They're looked at as losers who are too busy feeling sorry for themselves.

...so i stopped blogging. I would do it occasionally just to update. That simple use is useless now too because it's a lot more accessible to see how others are doing now, with facebook. in the early days of college circa 2002-04, there was pretty much just xanga, possibly friendster, and probably myspace...none of which are even close to the way fb connects everyone.

i digress. I stopped blogging because I wanted to stop being emo. No one wants to hear that shit, let's be honest. However, I and other 'emo' kids just kept on writing shit...probably hoping that others would read it and get a better glimpse of what was going on inside. Not really to comment, more-so just to be aware i suppose. or maybe I'm completely off base. I stopped blogging because i didn't want to be seen as emo anymore. it was time to grow up and continue along and figure it out as i went along. too much writing meant too much thinking which lead to overanalyzing aaand after all that you'd be back at step 1. the cooler thing to do was to simply not blog. say nothing. maybe come off as if everything's cool. Those were always the cooler blogs that got all the comments anyway. The 2 sentence entries and not the 4 paragraph ones. Who really wants to sit through 4 paragraphs? Less is more.

So I said Goodbye Blog. I didn't want to be that guy. THE EMO GUY.

In the process, I stopped writing. I used to enjoy writing. Idk why but the only thing I was good at writing was emo blogs. that sounds completely ludicrous but I wasn't much of a story teller so I never wrote a book or anything. I was just good at making my shitty day, sound worse. call it a gift. call it a curse. going onnnn and onnn about a whole lotta 'boo hoo this, boo hoo that.' A whole bunch of bullshit is what is was. All that stuff that runs through the mind. Like i said, Bullshit. Funny thing is that everyone has a lot of it in their heads too.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Truth be told, when i logged on I really just meant to write 2 sentences and now look where that got me.

Everyone's got emo days or tendencies. if they don't, they're probably hiding it. or maybe delusional. or maybe, just maybe, they're CONTENT. imagine that. I wonder what that'd be like. I could probably find out if i stopped blogging and found out. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK...

If I ever get the ultimate privilege to meet God, I'll respectfully ask for an explanation.

A friend of mine passed away several days ago. I'm not going to pretend that we were best friends or anything, but I'm proud to say that we were friends. Casual, at best, you would say, but I'd like to think that he thought I was alright. The feeling is mutual.

He was a good kid. Few years younger than me, which also contributes to why we weren't tighter, seeing that I was out of college by the time he was a sophomore. Nonetheless, college was the best time of my life and I'm glad he was a part of it. He used to laugh at my jokes. I guess I'm easy to win over in that way. I never quite understood why he always wore his hat slightly slanted and tilted or why his pants were constantly sagging...but what can I say? He had more style than me, that's for sure. haha.

Don't really have too many memories of that guy besides hanging out in Robeson, but the other place where my other memories of him are in the Golden Dome. That guy always played ball. I think he always wanted to prove that he was good. I always felt in the back of my mind that he has this determination to constantly get better and prove that he was good enough to run with anyone. I remember watching one of his games when he played in the Hoopsville league. I think it was a playoff game. A game not many thought his team could win. However, they did win...and I remember his had this look on his face when he went to go hug on of his teammates after the final buzzer (it may have been Marc) and he just looked so happy. I don't know why that stands out so much. I think some may have thought he was a bit cocky on the court. I just think he wanted to prove he belonged. And he does. No Question about it. Not many spin moves prettier than his, I'll tell you that much. Except this one time he did it during a pickup game and it spun right into my arm and it hit my ribs. It hurt for a week. what the heck dude?? Jk.

Damn good ball player and a damn good guy. I'll look forward to getting to know you better in the next life brother.

RIP Nick.

a word(s) on summer 2009..and a pinch on Life.

During June, it seemed like it rained everyday. even if it was warm, it seemed to rain at some point. A couple of months left. Hopefully less rain.

Time to fix Life. Preferably my own.

A triumphant return to the gym is in order. I really think that through that type of discipline, it will also have positive effects on other aspects of my life. It probably won't have a direct influence but it may play some sort of role. Even if it doesn't, going to the gym in itself is a positive so I'll leave it at that.

A note on a gym lifestyle:

- I don't think I'll ever be the guy who completely shuts out "bad" food from my life. If you dig deep enough, everything is bad for you one way or another so you can't base your life on that. It is my belief that the NJ/NY area we live in has the best cuisine in the country and to deprive yourself of experiencing some of that cuisine while you live here is a great disservice to yourself. Now I'm not saying eat bad foods all the time. What I'm saying is that for me, I'd like to find a balance where I can feel good about my health and at the same time, enjoy the food 'good or bad' that this area has to offer. Basically, I'd like to get to the point where I can have a Shake Shack burger every once in awhile and not feel like shit for the rest of the day.

Finally got Microsoft Office for my Mac. Hopefully that can get the ball rolling with learning how to use it so I don't feel like a blatant liar when I say on my resume' "proficient in Microsoft Office." Needless to say I took MIS in Rutgers during my second semester of Senior Year (maybe it was the First, it's all a blur), so I didn't exactly go to all the classes (I miss college).

Early in the new year I finished 2 books. I know for some that's not a goal or a admirable feat, but for me it was. I never have the patience to sit and read a book and finishing 2 in about 5 days was very exciting for me. Since then I've gone back to the book drought. Some read for enjoyment and hobby, I read for personal fulfillment and success. It's terrible. My logic for books goes like this:

- if you watch a bad movie, you've wasted an average of 2 hours...if you read a bad book, you've wasted days. Days you will never have back. Some will argue that you can get a sense if the book is bad. Yes, I'd agree with that to a certain extent but sometimes you also hear that "let the story develop" argument and if you go down that path and are proven wrong, that has to be very upsetting. (the latest Indiana Jones was the worst movie EVER. given it's build-up and history of the other movies, it really dropped the ball and flat out sucked).

Back to the books, I plan on finishing my Chuck Palahnuik book Survivor and the book that Emile lent me The Brief Wundrous Life of Oscar Wao. Less facebook, more real books.

I go on and on on this blog about ideals of self-improvement. Believe me, you can scroll to the older blogs; it's the same old song and dance. The truth is I'm 24, people are growing impatient with my reluctancy to truly grow into the next phase of life. I've lost a sense that people have faith in what I have to offer. I've lost relationship(s). My health has greatly deteriorated since I left college. I'm losing more and more faith in myself. I just have to suck it up. I have to find out if this mind of mine still works. "I trying to find out if my words have any meaning."

People go on and on about the American Dream. Fulfilling your dreams. I've never quite had dreams, I just knew that I didn't want to be broke. People also say it's never too late. In some ways, sometimes it is, unless you have money. Would I have done college differently? Hindsight being 20/20 says yes. What are my dreams now? Well I would have liked to have joined the school paper and done some sports writing. I really enjoy sports no matter what people say about it. My friend told me once in reaction to why he doesn't watch sports regularly, "I watch shows where you actually learn something, what am I going to learn from a baseball game." I took a little offense, but at the same time, It makes a little bit of sense. I look at it more of expanding my horizons. Anyway I digress a bit; the point is, sometimes it no longer becomes finding/fulfilling a dream. Maybe it becomes more about becoming content and finding your way. My uncle once said, "people are too hung up on this idea of the American Dream. This idea of happiness. It's a fine idea but at the end of the day, do you know what can make you happy? Putting food on the table and a roof over your head and your family." Ok, that wasn't verbatim, but it's an old quote, so cut me some slack.

I have a bet going with my friend on who can lose more weight. Winner gets $50. I may have mentioned it in passed blogs. Anyway, we keep pushing back the deadline (original was June, Now it's August at some point.) He's in the PI right now...getting FAT i hope. This is my chance to take the lead. I already had a lead...but then Lent ended and so did my discipline. A new day, a new hope. A new cause.

I bring a notebook to work and write in it everyday or mostly everyday trying to motivate myself. I put up a dry eraser board in my room last year to hopefully do the same. Sometimes words are just words. Action and Focus is the trick. My friend who lent me the Oscar Wao book also recommended a motivational book. I should maybe borrow it. I always had an iffy stance on it because sometimes I'd be rebellious against such books because every once in a while my pride will come out and say, "I can do it without it."

Maybe I'll give it a shot. It can't hurt.

Well this ran much longer than I previously anticipated.

Things I Might Have Learned About Myself during my Trip to Vegas

1. It's very possible that "I can't hang." .... more specifically, I'm a beer guy, get those hard drinks away from me, they taste like shit.

2. It's very possible that I value sleep more than a majority of my friends (at least the ones who went)...get some sleep, we're on vacation for God's sake, what's so important at 8a.m. when you're on vacation?

3. It's very possible that when it comes to being around fellow party goers, I can be a walking, talking, buzz-kill. apologies, its a curse. Honestly.

4. In a related note to 4....I'm a BAD WINGMAN. Maybe it was my shirt.

5. In a related note to 5 : Girls at a bar or lounge are probably the ones i'd like to meet...for dinner one night.

Girls at a club are probably the ones I'd like to meet....in bed.

A girl that fits the best of those two worlds is one i'd like to meet....right now.

GOOD NIGHT.

I own 2 blogs for no good reason at all.

i am not the most gifted computer person in the world, in fact, i may be the complete opposite...which explains the mundane appearance of my blog.

Vegas is coming.  Maybe I need to get out of here for a bit. Will always love Jersey even though everyone here is on Cali's dick...but i will defend my home till i die...which is getting tougher because guidos are making this place more and more embarassing by the day.

recently i told my sister a story where i found myself getting offended by someone else and instead of agreeing with me she said, "maybe you're too sensitive."  I never quite looked at it that way.  maybe i am.  I don't think I'm that sensitive, but maybe just a tad.  However I will also acknowledge that I'm probably just weird like that and get offended by little things from time to time.  In a related note, KHL. (keep hating the ladies. it's a movement. it's a lifestyle.)

8 days till vacation and I'm a beached whale.

Las Vegas

heading to sin city in about a month. till then its time for a crash diet plan of sorts.

this will probably be my last trip for awhile cuz afterwards i am going to start aiming for a real job plan for my life.  i've wasted far too much time.  i guess it was always a point of trying to do what makes me feel alright.  i've had too many jobs in my life where i hated going to work.  i get that i'm not going to love my jobs all the time.  most of the time it becomes the 'just another day at the office' approach, so i guess i've been stalling all this time because i'm afraid of becoming miserable.  afraid of failing and getting fired.  i don't know.  plus the timing just wasn't right.  now everything seems to be falling into place and it's looking like my window to leave the restaurant and do something else, has arrived.  it's pretty intimidating.  it's pretty sad as well because most people have this feeling after they graduate; not 2 years after they graduate.  i need to get rid of the fear of failing and just jump in i suppose.

so i'm going to try to let loose a little bit in Vegas.  try to have some fun because once i get a job i fully expect to be a little miserable, or at least very stressed until i get used to everything, which takes me awhile.  i don't like it when things get hectic.  that probably explains why i was a shitty waiter.  I'm more or less just babbling at this point and i just felt like writing something cuz what use is this damn site if i don't.  

p.s. i need to find more productive ways to occupy my time.  especially online.  i'm not the greatest web surfer.

also congrats to the upcoming graduating Class of 2009.  all of my ties to college are slowly but surely dwindling and entering the real world.  my God i'm getting old.

BORRRRRRRRRRRED.

Happy Good Friday.

The restaurant was closed today and so it gave me a little time to just chill.  I went to go watch a movie called Gigantic today.  It had my current favorite actress Zooey Deschanel.  The acting was good but I just don't know what to make of the rest of the movie.  It just didn't seem to connect or give any sort of closure at all.  However, i do see it as maybe myself not being able to make the connections.  For example, there's this other movie called The Darjeeling Limited.  It wasn't bad, but i didn't think it was all that good either and everyone else i know that's seen it praise it for being amazing.  I just didn't see it.  Could it be personal opinion? Yes.  However, I'm not discounting that maybe it's my failure to truly appreciate and dissect the movie.  It's quite frustrating.  Anyway, Gigantic falls into that category.  Not much of a definitive plot or storyline.  Not enough character development in my opinion.  Again, I thought the acting was good but I just didn't feel it.  the tagline for the movie was (not exactly but i'll try to say it verbatim) "IN RELATIONSHIPS AND FAMILY, THERE ARE NO BIG SURPRISES."  That's ironic because i didn't see any surprises.  Maybe that was the surprise? I don't know anymore.  In any case,  the movie wasn't too bad, it just felt a little incomplete.  Damn this mind.

The diet has been failing as of late but I'm starting to come to grips that it's getting close to make or break time.  My friend Joey has a pool and i asked him if i can use it in the summertime to do laps for my cardio.  He said he'd be cool with it so i'm just waiting for word.  Since the beginning of this whole weight loss thing my goal was to get to my desired weight by age 25 because I heard that your metabolism changes after that.  Again, it's probably all relative with the individual but it's no secret that metabolism gets slower with age.  I need to know that I gave it my best shot and I've got to go for it now.  It's not necessarily now or never but it's definitely coming to the point where it may be now, or it'll never happen.  I need to make this happen, or at least know I tried.  It just gets tough with i lose my discipline and my body doesn't react to exercise and dieting the way it used to.  Sucks getting old.

I mentioned in my past blog that I was thinking of cutting my hair off and while I still feel like a change in hair dew is coming,  I'm gonna mess with this a little bit longer.  The last time my hair was long I didn't do enough with it.  I just chopped it off.  Let me take you back a little further.  My goal with my hair in the first place was to have that sort of surfer kind of look with it but my hair was always too straight and too flat so whenever i grew it out it never quite became what I had envisioned.  this is why..before I cut it off again, I'll get a 'body wave' and give myself that wavy sort of look i wanted in the first place.  I figured if it doesn't work out, I'm going to cut it off anyway and if it does work,  then maybe that'll persuade me to keep it long for a little bit longer.

Movies I'm interested in seeing:  

The Great Buck Howard

Lymelife

Concerts:

The Shins

I've been car shopping lately and I've come to the realization that I like the Prius.  I went inside one and I really liked the interior.  It's very spacious.  I really could not give two shits about cars to be honest with you but if i had a choice, this would probably be it for now.  I've always had a soft spot for a Wrangler but this may not be the right time.

I'm pretty much blogging because I'm bored out of my mind. 

perfunktory.tumblr.com

Well i gave in to another online community.  Joy.  I'll probably still use this tho and let's be real, i wasn't exactly the most consistent blogger in the world.  However, I like this more for actual writing.  The other site just seems like a place to post stuff.  anyway,  nothing's really new.  recently flirted with the idea of cutting my hair off again.  hoping it would go something like this...

the reason why i don't think i can do it:

- it's a ridiculously cliche' haircut for asian guys.

-it would look much better if i lost more weight and actually resembled that guy seen above.

- i get lazy with haircuts and as seen in my senior year, it just gets to look woofing after a couple of weeks.

- i'm gonna miss the hair the second its gone.  I always do.  I like to have something to style.

reasons why I've flirted with the idea:

- much easier to take care of

- i need a change

actually the reason i grew it out again is because if i had to choose, in the long run, i'd like to have a long hair as opposed to a fade/brook.  With that said, I spent the time after i graduated growing the hair out because I thought I should grow it out before i found a job because if i got a job and it were still short, i'd probably have to keep it short because growing it out while I'm working at a 'real job' might look unprofessional cuz it spikes up and just goes all over the place.  It's terrible.  However, since I've not yet got a job that's 'real' maybe i still have time to gamble one more time and chop it off once again.  oh decisions, decisions.

Anyway, in other news...

I wanted to see if i could land a job with the local newspaper as a sports writer.  It's one of those fun little ideas that I come up with that i'll probably not follow up.

The diet has struggled as of late but I'm still hoping to lose more lb's by June.  a friend of mine said he heard guido's saying in the gym "the summers coming!"...i got a good laugh from that.

I'll probably write actual things on this blog and post nonsense on the other blog.  Also the other blog doesn't enable comments.  that's kinda strange.  but yeah, i get bored to make these things.

....which leads me to my next point.  I made a twitter too. haha.

yeah it's been a slow couple of weeks.  I really should finish that book i started.  Feel productive and in shape..as seen in photo above.

p.s. Nick hang in there brother.  I'll see you soon.

Glass half-empty? or a lazy waiter?

well it seems i have the stamina for a 70 year old chain smoker.

on a brighter note, the weight loss/diet program has gained some momentum.

despite the fact today was a bad eating day...a cheat day if you will...i am still confident that i can stay on course.

drop five more by April.

2008: A Review. 2009: A Preview

Well I've got the day off and I figured it might be a good time to blog.  A little year-in-review action I suppose.  It's a little tough with not really a whole lot going on this year. At least I can't remember anything at the moment. I'll write what comes to mind, so let's walk and talk as I tell you what's gone on and what I hope goes on next year.

I still work at the restaurant which is whatever. I mean it's really my choice if i want to make it a fulfilling experience or if i wanna sulk about it.  Honestly I doubt anyone is even hiring right now so if I'm just gonna pick up a job i might as well do something where my family is benefitting.  it was recently brought to my attention by my cousin from AZ that this job has numerous aspects of it that make it relevant to jobs i may or may not be applying to in the future.  Things that won't make me feel so stumped when I'm finally sitting in the interview process and the guy asks "so what have you been doing?"

Every year my list of resolutions is completely identical.  it's pretty pitiful but it's also a testament to how much i really DON'T try.  if only i did, i would like to think i can accomplish more than i think but many times in the learning process I just get too lazy.  That's a bad habit.  I only get one mind and one body so I should try to get it going in the right direction.  I'm put on a few pounds since my healthier days in college but i hope to change that soon.  I notice a lot of people starting to get in better shape and I think i should follow.  What sometimes frustrates me is that before everyone else started getting healthy and losing weight, I did it first.  I am the former success story. now i fell back and everyone is moving forward.  Foreshadowing? I hope not.  But yeah, so I'm hoping to return to some sort of cardio driven lifestyle and maybe start lifting by summertime but nothing bulky.  Bulky is a little much.  I would like to get my stamina up and hopefully play some basketball because as bad as I am on the court, I probably wouldn't be thaaaat bad if i had actual energy and wasn't gasping for breath all the time.

I still didn't learn a lick of guitar and I haven't finished any books that I own.  lol.  Fantasy Sports tends to engulf my life.  I need better time management.  it's funny because some people tend to make time for reading because they really enjoy it.  I don't think i get the same joy, i just want to because i figured maybe it can make me smarter but I still can't get myself to finish a damn book.

I really need more patience when it comes to things like that.  Sometimes it's like once i encounter some sort of dilemma my mind just shuts down and doesn't want to deal with it.  that's not good.

in 2008 my Dell Comp died and hopefully it will come back in a new wiped out form.  the positive, it will work again.  The negative, i may have lost my pictures and music....yet again.  can someone say external hard drive? anyway, i've recently become the new owner of an IMac and I'd love to tell you more about it but I got to lazy to play with it because all i tend to do on comps is go on the internet.  Not much of a game/adobe/uploading/downloading type of person.  I've always needed a comp for 2 things: internet and for typing reports.  I no longer have to do the latter, unless you count blogging but that too is done online.

I find new years to be the most depressing holiday of them all.  Yes it's joyous in the sense that it's a new beginning.  However, that too never made sense to me. I always had a different timeline growing up because for me a "year" is my year in school.  The regular calender means you are essentially in two different school grades and sometimes i just find it hard to relate the two. anyway, i digress.  the point is i'm always stuck with all these things that i didn't get to do.  maybe it's time to stop that shit ya know? I mean I'm not getting any younger and sitting around and looking back was never really in style so I gotta figure something out.  Something that can jumpstart something in my life.  It's become way to mundane and I find myself being very bitter.  nothing to specifically be bitter about, I just find myself being angry.  Sometimes it would be nice to be happy about things.  Not in that fake way like other people, but just sort of content for the time being.  I think it all comes down to knowing that you're living your life and doing your best to make the most of it.  Effort was never always my forte and I don't feel like I'm trying my best.  I think it's mainly because i rather use my energy for something that i care about.  Problem is i don't really care about much....not in that passionate type of way at least.  I'll see.  Sometimes people put their best foot forward because that's just the way it is.  Try your best and everything you do.  Yeah that sounds good. We'll see how that goes. I'm trying to say that in the most non-sarcastic way possible.  I just strive to be a multi-faceted individual who has fulfilling experiences.

So what does 2009 have in store? Well let's list the obvious..

-lose some weight where i can fit into the clothes i bought when i was skinnier.  also, I'm turning 24 in a few weeks and metabolism already hates me and it's not gonna get any better so i need to make at least one more push towards my ultimate goal.  At this pt. weight loss of any sort sounds good.  baby steps.

- try to learn things.  Just open my mind to absorbing information.  It's hard because I have a personal diagnosis of what i like to all 'readers ADD' because i can't read for a long time without me getting distracted and simply saying in my head 'shit this is getting long.'  I just want to be knowledgeable because i find myself saying 'I Don't Know" way too many times.

- learn guitar.....for the 80,000th time.

- figure out what i want to do with my life in terms of the type of job I want to look for.  I know it's boring for girls...to find guys who fall into routine but honestly that's what i need, otherwise, i don't perform well at my jobs.  if i constantly feel hectic, i'm gonna mess up something so when i do find i job, i'll probably intend to stay for awhile till i get comfortable.  maybe that doesn't sound good but for me to not be constantly stressed out i might need that sort of daily routine, as boring as it may sound.  then if something else comes up and i feel i'm ready, then move on.  That's getting way ahead of myself though. 

To expand on the whole idea of routine, I just watched that movie YesMan and a lot of people tend to be attracted to spontaneity.  That's gonna be trouble for a person like me.  I find myself very boring and sometimes I like to go to "my favorite this or that and i don't particularly find it a bad thing to do some of the same things over again.  I understand not everything can be like that and i too would get bored but it's just very intimidating to see spontaneous people do their thing.  I"m not sure if i'll ever become that type of person.  I can occasionally but then i get worried that, that type of thing would start to be expected and instead of appreciating when i am, people will just question it.  maybe that goes back to the whole expanding my horizons resolution.  Yes Man had this whole thing about opening up to new life experiences but i find that might be a little impractical, especially because i don't live in a Hollywood dreamworld.  You only live once though. I don't know, it's like i make excuses for myself to say No.  I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with the way I approach things.  Sometimes I just think that maybe there's another approach.

- I'm taking photography off of the list this year because I'm just losing interest with it.  It's just not for me.  I'm not the type to walk around with my camera and just take random pictures.  It's a trendy thing to do and if you enjoy it, that's great.  If you're great at it, even better.  I'm not sure if I'm like that.  I only see some things that would look cool while others see the world as a constant Kodak Moment waiting to happen.  I would like to borrow their eyes for a day. Zooey Deschanel (who i love) said in that Yes Man movie that as kids we used to see the world as a playground and at some point we lost that outlook.  I thought it was an interesting point, from an adventurous person's point of view.

-  I'm hoping to get into good enough shape to join my friends basketball team.  I don't even want to play in a real game.  Maybe just practice.  Get in that cardio and prove that I can still make a jumpshot.

-  sometimes i feel that it doesn't matter what job i do, if i do it long enough i'll probably get sick of it.  I hoping that i can obtain a more positive outlook in life.  I tend to get tired of things like work.  maybe tired is the wrong word, but nothing else is coming to life.  Its like that feeling like you're just not enjoying yourself and everyday can feel like a waste of time.  is there a word for that? 

I like living in a place like NJ/NY because it doesn't matter if you have a bad day because you're allowed to be an asshole around here but sometimes I'm an asshole everyday and even i say to myself 'hey lighten up.'  I don't like to be happy all the time and i don't like being around really happy people. It just freaks me out. It feels fake but at the same time, nobody likes a grouch either.  whatta killjoy.

anyway, I'm hoping a can do a little bit of growing this year.  A little soul searching.  I'm not looking for a monumental life change, although that may not be too bad.  I just don't want to write another annual self-assessment next year and find myself writing about the same stuff. So what's up 2009?  Let's make it count.