"My old clothes don't fit like they once did, so they hang like ghosts, of the people I've Been"

I remember when i graduated 8th Grade, we had this yearbook. Nothing professional, it was pretty much a class project with an exceptional amount of construction paper and scanned pictures and such. Anyway, there was this section of the yearbook where it was a prophecy. Maybe that's too dramatic. It was more of a 'where you'll be in 10 years." I remember mine saying I was gonna be this comedy star on Saturday Night Live. In reality, I'm more suited to be a writer on the show. I'm not much of an actor. Comedy used to be a big part of me. I really enjoyed making people laugh. I used to enjoy laughing. Nowadays laughing has more of this bipolar feeling to it. It's fun, but you're just ignoring the bullshit around you. It's fun but after the laughs, where are you? Possibly a temporary feeling of "hey it's not so bad.' Hell, it's probably not that bad.
I used to really be into stand-up comedy.
The summer before I entered high school i remember my cousin Chris and I had this tape recorder and all summer we'd talk to this tape recorder as if we were this radio station. At the time we were this modern rock station playing the good stuff like Rage and Green Day and stuff. I also wanted to create this Comedy radio station. It's sort of innovative. I mean, I don't think there's a comedy radio station around here. It was actually the idea of radio that made me want to go to Seton Hall because of 89.5 WSOU.
I should have done a radio segment on the Rutgers Radio Station but I never quite did. I didn't do half the shit i should have. Maybe that's the depressing part about all this. That explains a lot.
The whole wave of bubble-gum pop used to make me feel unique. The whole wave of hip-hop used to make me feel unique. I liked music that most people in my high school didn't. Now, it's not so special. It's actually kind of looked down upon. All these damn teeny boppers ruining punk and pop and whatever is left of it. Now i find myself clamoring for good new music where before i was always ahead of the curve.
It's funny because people used to do this one-up sort of conversation when it came to music..
"you know this band?'
"yep, do you know these guys?"
"yeah they're good, how about these guys?"
"Oh yeah, How bout these guys?"
"Yeah man definitely, the new CD is sick. They sound like these other guys, (insert band name)"
"Who's that?"
YOU WIN.
I used to want to play music but I think that ship is sailing away....FAST. I don't put in effort to learn and I'm not much of a self-teacher so maybe once I get a steady job I'll find a place that gives lessons and give it a real shot. I'll put in effort then, cuz I'll be paying for it.
Sometimes I really wonder if I have an actual passion for writing. I doubt it, but people tell me it's what I do best. Others may disagree, mainly people I know who are equally as good, probably better. I don't know big words. I just write the way I think. Sometimes I try too hard to write something good, where I believe you can't always force it. if you do, you'll just sound fake.
I remember there was this time in college where i realized, i'm gonna finish in psych and I better figure something out. At the time I told myself I'd like to have a steady job in Human Resources but I also wanted to be a free-lance writer and a free lance-photographer. The whole photography thing is doomed to become nothing more than a hobby because I just don't care for it as much as I thought. It just sounds cool and looks cool. Everyone thinks they're a fucking photographer. It's all subjective bullshit. If it looks like, more people like it. Real Artsy people will site actual technicalities with it and they could very well be right. My point is, everyone is not a photographer. It's a talent. Unfortunately, if you buy a camera expensive and high tech enough, it can make anything look dope...making people think they're talented. Who am I to say though?
I got a C in that class.
And so I feel I've arrived at this point where I'm without an identity. I've lost what I was because of my indecision of what I wanted to become. if that makes any sense? Ok, I don't wanna say I'm without an identity. It sounds a little too pathetic because it's not quite that severe. It's more along the line where I've had a life full of these ideas; some more realistic than others, and I've never quite acted fully on any one of them and maybe it's time that I do because well, at this point, I don't have anything to lose. I'm usually one to scoff that the idea of self-journeys and self-discovery. Everyone is always trying to discover themselves as if everyone has an identity crisis, so let's not call it that.
Let's just say it's time to man up. Less thinking. More doing.

"Fuck my Life"

My sentiments exactly.

I'm a Closet Fan

you do you and i'll do me.

Heineken Light on Friday Night

It's been quite a busy week that only looks to get worse cuz i have to go to work tomorrow as well. Just feel like laying out and taking some time out to clear my head.

-we've had to cater to the Philippine Consulate for the last couple of days as well as other caterings. it's been busy but i've gotta find a way to stay on course in terms of what i'm trying to do this Fall.

- It's easier to muster up courage when you've got nothing to lose so i'm looking to write out a cover letter soon and hopefully it's a killer one. I need to see if that writer in me has died.

- Recently obtained a pair of Jordan III's. I guess the old hypebeast in me wanted some closure. they're a little big tho. cwap.

- my first and second issue of Rolling Stone came in the mail today. Reading is Fundamental.

- my Dell D esktop is on the verge of crashing or something. That's unfortunate because it's never given me problems. one time it crashed on me but it wasn't my doing so i have no idea what exactly happened. Other than that, it's never had a blue screen or anything. I don't download music. I don't download porn contrary to popular belief. I literally don't do much on it besides go to the internet...and it still is giving me this one problem. What did I ever do to it? It's a sadistic world.
It looks like my time has come to explore the world of Macbooks. I probably should have asked for one for graduation but no one uses the desktop at home and it is/was a fine computer so why waste the money to get another one. Yes, it would have been more practical to get one during college because honestly, where am I gonna bring it? If i end up getting an office job, there will be a computer there and once i get home it's just me and the desktop. However, in the spirit of "the in thing," I guess I will elect to go with a laptop. There is no confirmation tho.
also, i deleted AIM thinking that may have contributed to the problem because it said that there was some sort of corrupt file within the program. whatever. It's in the midst of a slow downfall.
my new problem is backing everything up because I've lost my music and pictures once, and it wasn't fun so hey if anyone has a spare external hard drive, bring it on!

- I catered this 7 yr old's party last week at OLM and I saw this kid who was playing with a finger skateboard, a tech deck if you will, and yeah.....I showed him what's up. The sad part about that is that I'm 23.

- Fall 08' : Job Hunt & Diet. Don't lose the big picture because frankly, I've got nothing else.


eh on second thought, this was a pretty pointless blog entry.

My Mind, The Nest of Unorganized Thoughts.

-The Cycle: encounter --> initial intrigue --> slight advance --> intrigue dies
seen it, lived it.
something climatic or anti-climatic occurs.
it's probably me. which is fine but one day i'd like the person to be a good sport and just explain why. it's happened too often for me to believe that there can't be a common thread between it all.

- There's probably a thinner line than you think, between Boredom and Comfort.

- Let's face it...you win. You're better than me.

-Making out is probably an underrated stress relieving activity...if you don't attach any sort of emotional connections or make a big deal out of it. I could be wrong.

- 175 by Age 24. I should probably have more goals than my fucking weight. It's such a sad broken record. What's more sad is that I remember when I was real young I would ask God (like a naive child) to help me lose some weight. "if you help me lose it, I'll be able to maintain it and keep it off." The help came 2 years ago. 2 years later most of it is back and I probably symbolically lied to God. Yep. I'm an asshole.

- You were ready to go. I might be second guessing if I was.

- It could very well be jealousy that leads to my discomfort.

- There are many situations where I virtually "have nothing to lose" but treat the situation as if I do.

- There's a fine line between cleaning your room and simply hiding all your shit.

- If I foresee myself in the office setting while relating to characters in The Office...I'd probably hope to be Jim: the cool collected guy. smart. good at what he does. doesn't let the job stress him out.
I might end up like Toby: miserable. on top of that, he's in HR.

- sometimes i give playful pushes to people i know. A few times I probably over did it. sorry bout that, wanna be friends again? haha.

- I have the most useless iTunes ever.

- Fall Fasting. I gotta lose this shit even if it's the only meaningful thing I do in the near future. i hope other meaningful things will come with it.

- Some days are easier than others in terms of acceptance. Maybe it's hard in terms of accepting that all that time amounted to such little waiting afterward.
you're over it. maybe i can't get over that just yet.

- I don't have any problem with you. or you.

- There are times where I miss those YFC days. those were fun.



ok i think i'll sleep now.










-

I Found Away

I pretty much go to the restaurant every weekday, sometimes on the weekends. I spend the time I'm not there either out with the guys or rotting in my room. Going out will probably start to decrease as the semester continues with everyone getting more and more busy with work and school. The moral is I really need to be more productive with the time I have. Simple things like cleaning my room for example. My room is simply messy, which wouldn't be half bad if I had a real room, not a den with a sliding door. People always need to come in and so they have to walk through the jungle of shoes and clothes that I'm created. Anyway, a clean room is pretty minor but someone once told me that a cluttered room equals a cluttered mind. Maybe it was Mr. Miyagi. The point is, with all this talk about making my Fall productive, it's time to get moving.

I've been trying to remind myself that diets are fun. Challenging but sort of fun. I used to think so at least. I'm hoping that a diet can indirectly jump-start my campaign for self- improvement. It would also be nice to fit into my other shirts. Oh how the mighty have fallen. lol. Anyway, I pretty much tried to plot my weight-loss for the Fall. I"m keeping the goals realistic and attainable at the same time. I"m not trying to aim so high. Just trying to aim for what I roughly was during college around the end of my junior year to about winter of senior year. Anyway, this may seem like the say old empty diet plan, and maybe it is, but fuck it, might as well try i guess. Glory Days. Fruits, Yogurt, Oatmeal, 3 meals a day. Hopefully. Oh wait, I still work at the restaurant. Also, my gym routine gets severely worse once the summer ends so I pretty much need to diet in terms of damage control. Oh cwap.

My hopes of reading more are really gonna be hindered with the re-emergance of football season. Again, poor time management. I did buy this Rolling Stone t-shirt from Macy*s and now I receive an entire year subscription to Rolling Stone for free. Awesome, I used to enjoy reading that while I worked at Stop and Shop.

I'm trying to really get back into music because well, I need a soundtrack to my life.
It's just tough cuz i refuse to get limewire or anything like that and doing it the honest way is just too expensive. I need an itunes card. There are also a few shows I was interested in checking out
9/21 Nightmare of You
10/18 Steel Train

I used to aspire to write a book. haha. Mainly because it sounds cool, but I never really was great at telling stories. I would like to start writing more though. Maybe take a workshop. Ironically I've always enjoyed writing but never got into reading. What a backwards life.
The book was supposed to be titled The Serious Side to Funny People.



As the Me-Time continues to increase, expect positive results shortly.

"These break-up songs make sense again..."

I was gonna do this whole summer in review thing but I blogged pretty recently and I mentioned most of my summer activities there. Hence, I'll probably lean more towards what I have or should have planned for Fall 08.

Overall, this summer has not been so bad. My summer has basically consisted of heading back to the gym, hanging out with the guys, and that's probably it. However, whenever I look back at my best summers, the best ones that come to memory are the ones that were just chill. Waking up to no real agenda (except work of course) and just making the best of everyday. I like winging it during the summer. It kind of makes me feel young again. There's a certain innocence with just going with the flow. This summer I just decided to go with the flow. The summer just has this sort of aura to it. I mean there's really nothing like driving around with the windows down listening to music. Driving = Music time. I love the summer. However, not in that greedy type of way like people that live in California. Summer all year around? Greedy assholes. You need the seasons. It makes you appreciate it more. I digress. The Fall will be much different.

This Fall is very important in terms of self-growth and progress. It's probably the same approach I should have entered last Fall with. I sort of came into last Fall with hopes of getting a job, saying that even if I don't get one I'll apply to work at one of the Psych Labs at school. Obviously, that didn't go through. I had no business passing Stats so once I had to plot numbers and stuff, I probably would have gotten fired shortly after because it probably would have been wrong. I would probably repeatedly write,"the numbers did not administer any conclusive results based on these really big numbers I can't analyze."
The major difference with the upcoming Fall 08 season is that I'm gonna be entering it alone. Recently broke up and so it's the first Fall in about 4 years that I'll be entering without a companion which is...different, for lack of a better term. Different but hopefully fruitful as well. It gives me a real chance to kind of just focus on myself for a while. So we'll see how that goes I guess. No hard feelings. No regrets. "The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt."

Just gotta keep the mind moving. There's a lot to learn out there so I should try to soak up as much as I can, while I still can. I just want to be knowledgeable. Not in that smartass, know-it-all way though. Nobody likes those type of people. Pretentious assholes.

I'm not even sure what I'd like to learn. I've had photography, guitar, and cooking on my list-of-things-to-do List for years now and not much progress has been made so maybe I'll try to pursue it for real. I talked enough about lists last time. My basic point is that this Fall, with no gf, most of my friends finishing up school and/or working, I'm probably going to have a lot of me-time and I've gotta do something productive with it. I have all these books I've bought and never finished so maybe I should start there. I also wanted to read World War Hulk and finish that other comic 52 that I bought.
I was told to write down a list of goals. Problem is I've never really had a set list of goals. That's probably where the problem started. I probably need to sit down and have a real evaluation with myself and try to figure out what I want because I'm not really sure. Never have been. I remember this line from Office Space where the main character said, "It's not that I"m lazy, It's that I just don't care." That has probably been my mindset all along. My ex used to always tell me I needed more passion about things. I'm assuming she didn't mean passion is an affectionate way, but rather in the sense of knowing what I want. She was probably right.
I have faith that it'll work out. I've been writing focus on my hand for years, esp when I was in school. Problem was, I kept falling asleep on that hand. In all seriousness though, going into another Fall season out of college and things as different as ever, a little bit of focus wouldn't hurt.







Anyway, this Fall is gonna be different. It has to be, if there's gonna be any hope for me.

"The present is a gift and I just wanna BE"

Facebook has single-handedly killed other network and blog sights. let's have a moment of silence for Friendster, Myspace, and who can forget, Xanga. I believe in blog sites and maybe that's why I still bother to use this blogspot but it's definitely lost it's luster. Waaay back when with xanga, I used to blog a lot. It was just a nice source to vent and in my case, no one really read it. Some things never change. As for Multiply, you lost me at TRACKER.

With that said, I guess I've been regressing a little bit as of late for whatever reason and so in tribute to my old days I'm just gonna blog it out and whatever happens, happens.

- I'm so fucking sick of making lists that I never complete. However, I have no one to blame but myself. I joke around with my mother at work and say that my mind is dying everyday but let's face it, I haven't exactly stimulated my brain cells as much as I hoped to, in my post-college life. I will keep trucking along and hopefully one day I'll figure it out and cut into list one day.
How long can a person go with selling themself short? I mean at some point, you've gotta challenge yourself and really ask yourself, you're capable of more right? The mind is capable of so much and there's no reason why you can't learn whatever you want. This shit sounds cheesy.

- Miami was pretty dope. It's a whole different world down there. The culture is so much different and I kind of wondered how these people just didn't get tired. Not so much tired of the way it is, but just tired in general. I mean I was there for about 5 days and I was beat. Miami does give you some swag as a souvenir for when you get home but you gotta use it before it runs out. Currently, my miami swag has dwindled down. I will explain it to you like this: At this point, my swag is like that first hour after you get a really nice haircut and you feel like little bit of confidence. Yeah, like that. Also, it only comes out after some beers.
Best thing about Miami: NO GUIDO'S
Worst thing about Miami: NO ASIANS. except for those two hypebeasts that worked at KidRobot. fuck hypebeasts.
Most Surprising Thing: I didn't really mind the house music.

- Sometimes I say that there's not enough time in the day but maybe that's just a testament of my poor time management.

- I need a job. The timing is always off though. It probably doesn't make sense when you look at my situation from afar and maybe I'm just making it more mental for myself but I just don't get the definitely feeling that this is the right time to leave the family. Maybe I'm just stalling time. Maybe I should be checking job sites instead of blogging. haha.

- Been going to the gym again and as usual I'm not really satisfied by the results. Obviously, it's better than before but I guess it's my way of keeping myself hungry. also, being so weight conscious makes you look at other dudes physiques, in the most non-homosexual way possible. haha. pervs. but for real I try to see other's who are more fit and sort of set a goal for myself. Everyone's bodies are different but still, you need some sort of visual goal. I think?

- So I'm man enough to admit I kept up with that Dance Show and I must say people complain about it too much. Is it rigged? probably. In my opinion with probably shoulda been Fanny Pak vs. Super Crew. Also, let's be honest, SoReal Cru couldn't stop crying in every video package. Waterworks is cool once in awhile but come on. Are you for real Soreal? Yes I built up to that punchline.
With that said I'm starting my own dance crew and it's gonna be called ANO KABBA?...MODERN.

- I miss my psychology classes. only some.

- I don't know what it is but I always feel I'm the easy target. if I were standing next to 3 other dudes and there was a bully around, somehow, he'd choose me. It's a wierd phenomena of my life. I just don't get it.



At the end of the day I just want to be taken seriously. It's probably time to take some serious steps towards that. Seriously.

dot dot dot

" We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you."

i don't regret any of it. not for a second. some of the best years of my life, and i shared them with you.

there's plenty to be said, but i don't feel like it right now. suffice to say, you're not a bad person. hopefully i'm not either.

Waiting For A Certain Shade of Green?

Well it's been awhile and frankly, I don't know if anyone really reads this but whatever, I took a nap and I'm somewhat energized so i figured why not put up some news and notes. I have a lot of bullshit floating around in my head.

- recently I've been gathering all of the trendy clothes I bought in the early years of college (circa 2003). Needless to say it ended up being a waste of money. Nike Dunks played me out. haha. Seriously though, it was somewhat ironic and self-defeating because I enjoyed getting all this stuff because I didn't mind this kind of trendy stuff. It was new to me. Something fresh, but at the end of the day I'm just a t-shirt and jeans guy. When i dressed up in the morning, I didn't reach for the trendy stuff, I just reached for the simple stuff. I told myself I'd bust out the special Dunks and clothes for a special occasion. No such occassion occurred. Anyway, I'm getting a some help from my boy Rocs to sell this stuff on eBay. While I'm namedropping I just wanna say, Tita Mila, Thanks for throwing away half my sb boxes when you cleaned the basement last year. Selling the shoes in the wrong boxes, that looks legit. haha. I don't really regret buying all those shoes. I mean, it was a hobby. Something to look back on and say 'that was fun...and now its wack.' Anyway, what am i selling for? a Nikon d40 hopefully. We'll see if that works out.

-the Truth is this time last year I was mildly excited about graduating. I saw it as an opportunity to do activities I was interested in. I was thinking, 'hey this gives me a chance to do a writing workshop, or a culinary class, or a photography class.' Almost a year removed and I haven't exactly cut into that list. Sometimes i move a bit slow and sometimes I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for a bad cycle. I believe everything is gonna work out though. I've slowly been learning during my current role of helping out the parents at the restaurant. Fuck what you think. I get up everyday and go to work just like everyone else. Just because I'm not putting on a suit and tie and walking into an office building doesn't mean I'm not going to work. I'll get into that soon enough, but right now, this is where I'm needed. I used to bitch at going to work and most of the time I still do. We all do. However, my parents helped me to kind of change my perspective because he told me 'you gotta start working there with a managers mentality. don't just serve the customers, you gotta stay aware of the other things like what's selling and what's not. Keeping track of the inventory for the marketing. Coming up with new ideas for the menu or the presentation of the restaurant.' I helped me realize that I wasn't taking any of that into consideration and I just thought I was some sort of hostage. Also it's completely screwing up my diet. damn. Anyway, point is, this restaurant put me through school and kept a roof over my head for more than 15 years. This is the least I can do for my parents. Hardest working people I know.
Anyway, there's plenty of time to get into all those new hobbies I was interested in. I'll start applying for a "real job" come late April into May. I'm hoping to land in a publishing company. I figured if I can't read books, join em'.

- Yeah so I kinda miss college. It was a good experience. Left it like I left high school. Feeling like I should have done more but what can you do? Some good people, good laughs, got pretty okay grades, that's all I could have really hoped for I guess. Could it have been more? Yeah, but learning never stops. You don't need a classroom to gain knowledge.

- Even though i miss bugging out in college, I realized a lot of people didn't really keep in touch. fucked up. lol. I've hit this bitter state anyway. It's no hard feelings, some keep in touch, some don't. I guess I just get fascinated by it because i've spent my whole life specifically trying not to step on people's toes and being concerned with what they think (btw its a horrible way to live and i'm trying to kick the habit) and so I just get very interested in what makes a person say 'hey he's cool maybe he's worth keeping in touch with. By all means i understand there are just some people you don't really care for, trust me i know. Nevertheless it's interesting how these interpersonal relationships work, in general, not just me and my acquaintances. If my friend from high school reads this he's probably thing its really hypocritical because I didn't do the best job of always keeping in touch with him after high school, and he went to school across the street. I'm sorry my friend, let's go to Tops.

- So I've tried going to the gym again and Retro has too many damn members now. lol. I'm much more comfortable when no one is in there. man i hate being self-conscious. Anyway, as I mentioned before, the diet has basically gone down the drain till I stop working at the restaurant. I've come to the conclusion that my effectiveness to old diets was because I had more of a preventative approach where if I wasn't in front of food I wouldn't have to worry about being tempted. Now you're probably saying 'didn't you just say you spent the greater part of your college career bullshitting in a cafeteria' and yes while this may be true, I frankly didn't want to spend money and actually having my friends there indirectly kept me in check. Losing weight doesn't get any easier as you get older and I kinda hear that the point where it gets to get more difficult is past 25 so the way I look at it I've got some time still to make it happen. Oh to be skinny. haha.
But honestly, as much as losing weight has to do with physical appearance which is why a lot of people do it, for me it's starting to become more of a 'i just want to be healthy and live longer' kind of thing. seeing what diabetes has done to some members of my family it's becoming clear to me that I don't want to go through that. Genetically my body might having something else to say about it come 20 years from now and so if I can prevent that by lifting a few weights, breaking a sweat and curbing the bad foods a little then I'm cool with that. 150-160 is still the goal.

- Now that I don't walk around campus, my iPod has drastically declined in its usefulness. lol.

- my music scene is still declining and has a result, I've started to listen to more sports radio in the car. I enjoy it.


I guess that's it. Not sure when I'll blog again so enjoy this for a few months and i'll be "back and better than ever."